There is, perhaps, no better way for a writer to discover more about themselves regarding their style and craft, than to edit a fellow author’s work. Since Kyanite Publishing agreed to my Remnants anthology idea, I’ve found myself Beta reading a myriad of short stories, from many talented writers and authors, some of whom are hopeful that their submissions will earn them their professional debut. This has led to some discussion on a few elements of craft, one of which, I would like to discuss today; The eponymous Show Over Tell, or Show Versus Tell

 

Firstly, I don’t claim superiority on this subject, but I do believe that my use of the following has helped me sign a few works. Secondly, this is what works for me and my style, at the moment. Part of having a craft is evolving and expanding within, so what I write now, may be different for me further down the road.

So, what is Show vs Tell? It is the act of describing something organically so that the reader is drawn into the world.

Let me provide an example.

Tell:
She walked into the room. It was square and metal. In the center of the room there was a table and two chairs, and on the table, sat a brown envelope. Sitting down, she waited.

.
..
…

Yay?

Let me ask you, can you picture it? Yeah, sure. Do you feel like you’re there alongside the character? Heck no!

This tells the reader what’s going on, but fails on all points of immersion, minus sight. In a motion picture you could hear the sounds, and if the lighting and music are on point, and the camera work is superb, you could feel drawn into the scene. The tell version has no drama nor panache, it’s simply “She did this, saw that.”

Draw your readers in, make them feel like they’re there.

How do you do that? By showing them through their senses.

Smell ( I cannot stress this enough, as it is the sense most CLOSELY related to memory.)

 

 

 

 

Taste ( Another understated sense, more difficult to include but certainly dramatic and relatable.)

 

Touch ( What is the character’s body enduring? )

 

Sight

 

and sound.

And all of this should be done without sense words… which we will get to in a moment.

Let’s focus on smell and taste. How do you think such a location would tickle your nose? Would there be a strong scent of disinfectant, making the space sterile? Would the metal tingle in your throat, or would it be overpowered by windex that is used to shine the walls. How’s the air? Is it stale? Treated? Moving?

Here’s my opinion. I think I would smell the sharp scent of disinfectant mixed with the citrus of polishing agents. It would be harsh, but be made barely bearable by freshly treated air being both pumped in and exhausted by a closed circulation system.


Pretty specific. Let’s phrase that first sentence in the narrative voice.

She smelled the sharp scent of disinfectant and acidity of citrus of polishing agents.

This is now a combination of show and tell. Why? Because of the sense word, Smell. The reader is being told SHE is Smelling blah blah blah. In order to make it a true show, make the reader think they are sensing it themselves by deleting the pronoun and sense.

The sharp scent of disinfectant hung heavily in the air and was made worse by the citrus of polishing agents.

How’s that read? Go back and compare with the original example. Better? Place it on the tongue, make them taste it all.

The sharp scent of disinfectant hung heavily in the air and laid thickly on the mouth, made worse by the citrus acidity of polishing agents that dried the mouth and pierced the nose.

Let’s talk about the organicity of the sentence above. By including the sense of feel or touch, taste, and smell, the reader can almost believe they are there.

 

Now, let’s try sound.

I imagine her footsteps would echo in an all-steel construction, not to mention I’m sure the ventilation would be loud. How can we tie it all in so it feels natural? Add a verb, an action, for the character that would cause such noises.

 

She walked into the room, her footsteps echoing off the bare metal walls, rattling about, before being muted by the very loud exhaust fan.

 

Better? Yeah, sure, but walked seems too plain. I know! Let’s love our Thesaurus. How does she enter the room, does she stride in there in a hurry, or does she hesitate?  I’m going to make her confident and powerful because I love strong women.

Also, note the word VERY in very loud. Blow words like very are called CUMULATIVE words. They exist to add to adjectives. They too, can pull the reader out of the story and are, often, but not always, a symptom of lazy writing.

 

She marched into the room, her footsteps echoing off the bare metal walls, rattling about, before being muted by the rushing of air and humming of mechanical ventilation.

 

So by mentioning it all like this, I’ve also shown that the air is moving. I could further reinforce this by something else:

 

The air, crisp and clear, ruffled the pages of the envelope that sat, shifting, on the lone table in the middle of the room.

 

With that, I’ve linked the senses to an environmental factor, that has now played with two more items in the room. This shows they are there. Getting the hint yet?

 

Pulling out one of the two chairs, she sat, studying herself in the reflection of the metallic walls. The harsh light was hardly flattering, and she straightened her blazer, assuring herself that she was ready to face whatever her client confessed.

 

Wow. Can you sense her power, her confidence, the scale of the room? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

 

How do these read when compared?

 

Tell:

She walked into the room. It was square and metal. In the center of the room there was a table and two chairs, and on the table, sat a brown envelope. Sitting down, she waited.

 

Show:

The sharp scent of disinfectant hung heavily in the air and laid thickly on the tongue, made worse by the citrus acidity of polishing agents that dried the mouth and pierced the nose. She marched into the room. Her footsteps echoed off the bare metal walls, rattling about, before being muted by the humming of mechanical ventilation. The air, crisp and clear, ruffled the pages of the envelope that sat, shifting, on the lone table in the middle of the room.

Pulling out one of the two rigid steel chairs, she sat. The harsh light left little to the imagination, illuminating all her flaws in the mirror finish polish of her enclosure. Straightening her blazer, the lawyer assured herself that she was ready to face whatever her client confessed.

 

Lastly, let’s check for passive voice.

In English, all sentences are in either “active” or “passive.” In an active sentence, the person or thing responsible for the verb of the sentence comes first. Likewise, in a passive sentence, the person or thing acted on comes first, and the person responsible for the action is added at the end.

 

Active

Johannes Gutenberg created the printing press in 1439.

 

Generally, you want to write in the active verse UNLESS:

1. The actor (whatever is performing the verb) is unknown, irrelevant, or the writer wants to be vague.

The first printing press was invented in 1439.

2. You are talking about a general truth or widely accepted fact.

3. You want to emphasize the subject acted upon, which is generally the method used in scientific or technical papers.

The first printing press was invented in 1439 by Johannes Gutenberg

 

Active:
The sharp scent of disinfectant hung heavily in the air and laid thickly on the tongue,

The sharp scent is the actor, the verb is hung, and the subject is the tongue. In this sense, the primary focus is on the odor.

Passive:
Pulling out one of the two rigid steel chairs, she sat.

If I had written this as: She pulled out one of the two rigid steel chairs and sat on it. The focus would be on the lawyer, performing her action, but that’s not what I want the reader to notice. I want them to see that the focus is on the chairs. There’s only 2 in the room, and she’s claimed one.

Aside from exploding your word count, for those who always find yourselves short of your goal, you have now shown the environment, drawing the reader in, AND given the subject, character. The reader can sense her confidence, her power, her attitude.

So, after all that, let’s make a checklist.

 

Did you:

🗹 Include Smell

🗹 Include Taste

🗹 Include Feel

🗹 Include Sound

🗹 Include Sight

🗹 Interact organically with the environment

🗹 Demonstrate something about the character

🗹 Remove Sense words

🗹 Remove Cumulative words

🗹 Love Your Thesaurus

🗹 Assure each sentence is focused properly.

 

Feel free to add, remove, or comment as you see fit, and I hope this helps you. Thank you for listening to my rant.

 

Sincerely

Author Stephen Coghlan

 

 

P.S. Thank you to Rosetta Yorke for giving this rant a once over. You can find her on Twitter as @RosettaYorke  Where she hosts #turtlewriters.

P.P.S. If you are looking for places to practice Show over Tell, I’m presently practicing using V. Timea Noemi *Timi* ( @imit1989  ) #KreaSUm hashtag on Twitter