Action It Up, June 10th 2018

I’ve recently been able to catch up on some of my Beta reads and CP’s and this is something I’ve seen a lot of examples of:

He looked about the room. He thought it was too quiet. He listened, waiting, hoping to see through the dim glow. When nothing happened, he put his pistol back into its holster and stepped into the room. He heard a noise and turned, too late to block the wrench that cracked him across the face. He collapsed as the world went dark.

Welcome to what I call, a listed paragraph.
He did this, he thought that. He etc. etc.

Starting every sentence in a paragraph with the same word may work in the rare time, but unless it’s being done for the effect it can make the sentence drag and be boring.

My advice in these situations: Action it up.

Let me go back to my high school days. During a course in Business English, my classmates and I were advised to always use verbs, action words, when writing a report or resume to clients.

What sounds better?

-Filters were dirty, replaced
-Ducts were dirty, vacuumed.

-I went to College for mechanical technologist

Or

-Replaced filters
-Vacuumed ductwork.

-Attended Mechanical technologist course at ____ College.

Starting with a verb can subtly influence the reader into seeing you as an active person, dynamic, full of energy.

Why not do the same for your characters? Make them seem dynamic, vibrant, full of life?

Why not eliminate the list?

Let’s see how the example paragraph could change if we actioned it up.

He looked about the room. He thought it was too quiet. He listened, waiting, hoping to see through the dim glow. When nothing happened, he put his pistol back into its holster and stepped into the room. He heard a noise and turned, too late to block the wrench that cracked him across the face. He collapsed as the world went dark.

He thought it was too quiet as he looked around the room, listening, waiting, hoping to see through the dim glow. When nothing happened, he put his pistol back into its holster and stepped into the room. Hearing a noise, he turned, too late to block the wrench that cracked him across the face and he collapsed as the world went dark.

Although it reads almost the same, now there is a subtle difference in speed and urgency.